Does Loving Include Liking?
God commands us to love people, but He does not say that we have to like them. Many of us have heard this claim before and maybe even made it ourselves. The question I’d like us to consider is, is it true? Is it possible to truly love someone without liking them? If this is possible, then are we free as followers of Jesus Christ not to like those that we love?
I believe that Scripture teaches that it is not true. It is not possible to love someone Biblically without also liking them. We are required as followers of Jesus to like those whom we love.
The reason that the sentiment that we can love without liking has become so popular is due, I believe, to two things: Number one, the sinful inclination of our hearts. It is an easy way to justify our less than loving attitude toward others. And number two, a fundamental misunderstanding of the nature of love. Although reason one deserves our attention, it is reason two that I would like to consider with you.
Usually those who make the statement contrasting loving and liking are making an assumption about the nature of love. That assumption is this, love has nothing to do with feelings or affections, but only with actions and the will. Love is said to be what you do and not what you feel. Many times loving may then be defined as “willing the best for someone else and doing what we can to bring that best about.” Liking is thought of as something more emotional. It is considering someone to be dear or appealing to you. But is this what Scripture teaches about love?
The answer is
clearly, no. Let me take you to one
place that refutes this unemotional view of love. Listen as the apostle Paul describes what
genuine love is like:
“Let love be genuine.
Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good.
Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing
honor” (Romans 12:9-10).
Paul is aware that there is such a thing as a
counterfeit type of love, and he is anxious that the love of the Roman
believers for others prove to be genuine.
John Calvin is right when he says, “It is difficult to express how
ingenious almost all men are in counterfeiting a love which they do not really
possess. They deceive not only others,
but also themselves, while they persuade themselves that they have a true love
for those whom they not only neglect, but also in fact reject.”
So
what is genuine love like? Notice after
Paul says that genuine love hates what is evil and clings to what is good (this
itself tells us that there is an emotional component to love1), he
says that we are to “love one another with brotherly affection.” This little phrase makes it crystal clear
that real affection is a necessary component of genuine love. C.E.B. Cranfield comments that in the
original Greek this exhortation “indicates the tender and intimate affection as
between members of the same family.”
Brothers
and sisters, search your hearts with me for a moment. Is it possible to dislike someone and at the
same time to feel tender and intimate affection for them in your heart?2 God’s command to love others goes so much
deeper than we would like to think. Some
might say that this type of love is impossible.
It is true. It is a miraculous
and supernatural type of love that God must work in our hearts by His Holy
Spirit (Romans 5:5).
Let
me end by dealing with one possible objection to what we have just
learned. Someone might rightly point out
that in the verse above Paul is saying that we must feel this type of brotherly
affection for those in the church.
Perhaps we do not have to like those who are outside the fellowship of
believers. The answer is that the ground
of our love to believers and unbelievers is the same, and thus the nature of
our love to believer and unbeliever is essentially the same. It may differ in degree, but not in its
essence. Consider these words from
Jonathan Edwards:
[W]hen God and man are loved with a truly Christian love, they are both
loved from the same motives. When God is loved aright, he is
loved for his excellency,
and the beauty of his nature, especially the holiness of his nature, and it is
from the same motive that the saints are loved
for
holiness’ sake. And all things that are loved with a truly holy love, are loved from the same respect to God. Love to God is
the foundation of gracious love to men, and men are loved, either because they
are in some respect like God, in the possession of his nature and spiritual
image, or because of the relation they stand in to him as his children or
creatures
as those who are blessed of him, or to whom his mercy
is offered, or in some other way from regard to him (from the sermon, Charity or
Love the Sum of all Virtue).
May God grant us hearts that
deeply and affectionately love our neighbors, giving us eyes to see in them the
beauty and excellency of our God,
James
1. “Christians are not to be satisfied with abstaining from what is evil, and practicing what is good. The affections of their minds should be in unison with their duty; they should hate as well as avoid what is sinful, and love as well as practice the good. We thus learn that we are accountable to God for the state of our hearts, as well as our external conduct.” (Robert Haldane, Commentary on Romans, pg. 572).
2. One question worth considering: what would eternity with God be like if holy love did not necessarily include liking? The prospect of spending billions of ages with a God who loved me but did not necessarily like me, is less than pleasant.